Thou Shall Not Use Pull-ups

I think I'm not alone in wishing that God included a book in the Bible called "Parenting 101".

Almost 9 years ago I became pregnant with my first son. I was young and had no clue what life would be like as a mommy. After hours of labor they placed him in my arms and I remember thinking "what am I supposed to do now…". I couldn't wait to get home and once I got home I wanted to go back to the hospital where I had "professionals" giving me instructions!

My firstborn son

 Since then I have become better at the whole keeping them alive part. I learned how to nurse my babies, treat their runny noses, change diapers, and even developed mad skills at tossing diapers into the trashcan from across the room. But I still catch myself thinking from time to time that I have no clue what I'm supposed to do as a mother.

For example, my oldest son was completely potty trained after a week of running around naked in the house without ever using a pull-up. I had it all figured out. Parent's who couldn't potty train their children were obviously using pull-ups and just needed to leave them naked… like I had done. So then my second son came along. It was time to potty train so I used my tried and true method. He peed on the floor for 2 days… and I threw the towel in after he peed… in his TOYBOX… while LAUGHING!!! At that moment I realized I had no CLUE what I was doing.

Potty training my 2nd born son.
(Convinced him that Batman uses the potty ;)

Potty Training my 3rd born son
(Naked, in front of the tv, with his favorite toys)

Now those thoughts are multiplied times 2 as I have added 2 wonderful stepsons to my clan of boys. We now have 5 different personalities, with different needs, and different tendencies. The Lord has blessed me with a husband to process those thoughts out with and is willing to lead our family, but we both have times when we just don't know what to do. 

During those moments I find myself wishing that God would have included detailed step by step instructions in the Bible on all different kinds of parenting scenarios! (Could you imagine turning to Parenting 101, chapter 5, verse1.. "Thou shall not use pull-ups. If thy child pees in his toy box, thou shall put superhero clothes on thy child and convince him that batman pees in the potty.")

But I've been realizing that if God had included step by step instructions in the Bible, I wouldn't be so dependent on HIS direction. Instructions would enable me to successfully parent on MY own. He wants me to talk to Him and seek His direction. He wants me to pour myself into His Word and learn more about who He is. As I learn more about who He is I'm drawn to love Him deeply. As I love Him deeply, I become more like Him. The more I'm like Him, the better example of Christ I can be to my kids.

So I guess I want to encourage my fellow mommies that it's okay… no I think it's actually GREAT, to feel insufficient as a mother. The key is how we react to those feelings. Do you allow those feelings to draw you to dependency in Christ, or do they leave you with guilt and cause you avoid problems with your children? The most important thing your children need from you is to see a real life example of what a relationship with Christ looks like.

My scribbled on, sticker patched, angled car sign

Quinton and Carter's school requires all the parents who pick up their children in the car line to have a sign with their children's last name and grade numbers.  They even provide parents with a piece of card stock paper with some sort of hanger drawn on it for parents to cutout and use for their sign.

As I was rushing out of the house to pick them up from school with no time to spare, I realized I forgot to cut out their sign. I frantically got out a pair of scissors, haphazardly cut out the sign, scribbled their names down on the sign, and ran out the house. I went to remove the sign from the mirror after I picked up the boys… and ripped it. The next day I pulled in the car line and realized that I couldn't hang my sign. Thankfully, my van was a mess and I just so happened to find a pack of thomas the train stickers. I used the stickers as some sort of tape and managed to adhere the two torn pieces together. 

It didn't completely fix our thomas the train "decorated sign" as it now hangs at an angle. I'm reminded of this every time the teacher comes out to my car and tilts her head as she says "BROOKS….um…. 1 and ……. 3???" 

And I'm reminded of how poor my sign looks as I see other parent's signs. Many have printed out their children's names. Others have gone so far as to laminate the sign, put it in a page protector, and hang it up on an actual hanger with clips. 

Now let me give you a bit of background information about myself. I used to so so wish I was That responsible, organized, take it to the next level parent. We all know what That parent looks like. The one who packs her kid's lunch in the tuberware container with different compartments for each item of food… which she didn't have to even pay money for because she purchased her food with her triple coupons and actually earned money from her grocery trip… and she writes a little note on the kid's napkin wishing him a good day at school. You know… the mom we who actually does the organizational ideas that us other moms only pin about on Pinterest. 

I used to compare myself against That mom and struggled with shame and defeat. I struggled thinking, 

"My house should look like hers, my car should be as clean as her car, I need a color coded calendar like hers, why can't I stick to a chore chart like she does."

Somewhere in between failing at my 4th chore chart with the boys and throwing away an entire notebook of expired coupons, I finally admitted to myself that I was not That mom. There is nothing wrong with her. Our world would be a disorganized mess without her! She keeps our children's teachers sane by turning in permission forms on time and by actually remembering teacher appreciation day (by making one of the crafts we pinned about on our teacher appreciation gift board :). The world NEEDS moms like them… but it's ok if you aren't that mom. 

God created you with your own unique personality. Once you make peace with that you will slowly feel the pressure to be something you aren't start to lift off your shoulders. In turn, you will also be able to love That mom better. You cannot love her well when you feel threatened and intimidated by her!

I am not organized.. I like to be doing several projects at once. I'm flexible and like to leave my plans open-ended. I'm full of ideas and like change. That's how God chose and carefully planned out to make me before I was even born. So now as I pull through the car line, I proudly sport my scribbled on, sticker patched, angled name sign. It's unique to me… and I'm okay with that :)

Reality vs. Facebook caption

About a year ago I had a few people tell me that they were envious of my life. It really took me by surprise and left me a bit speechless. I thought "Seriously, look at me. Look at my life. Really… I mean REALLY… you wish your life was like this?!!"

But then I realized that most people gain their perspective of my life by what they see on Facebook. They see a picture of me and the kids all smiling on our little family movie night and think.. "I wish we did family nights like Christina's family." What they don't realize is that the kids might have… ok… probably did… fight during half the outing!! I probably ended up loosing my cool with them and yelled at them a few times… and that picture you saw of them with their arms around each other was staged. Yes staged. I told them to put their arms around each other or they wouldn't get any candy during the movie. I put the picture through a few filters.. blurred out the kid pitching a fit… to create a picture perfect family movie night. I delete the 20 other photos that show traces of the tension we had that evening and proceed to post the leave it to beaver photo on Facebook. Don't judge me. You know you do it too ;)

Here are some examples

Reality: Easter Morning

Facebook caption (picture taken with the screaming baby slid  behind me): "Easter morning fun!"

Reality: Birthday message to grandma

Facebook caption: "Happy birthday grandma… We love you! ~ Quinton, Carter, & Kydon"

Reality: Fighting over the dough the entire time we made Christmas cookies

Facebook caption (after removing 2 children from the shot):
"Making homemade Christmas cookies with the family #family#traditions#fun"

Now don't get me wrong. I don't think we need to put all our dirty laundry on Facebook. We all know that person whose statuses cryptically seek pity or affirmation. I think we need to keep our lives real (don't paint it out to be something that it is not) and just realize that on Facebook we are only seeing each other at their best.

Moral: Don't let Facebook form your perception of others' lives ;)

Crazy enough to handle a crazy life

I think it's time to continue on with my story :) I'm going to fast forward a bit to this past chapter of being a single mom.

I've shared before that I never pictured myself as a single mom. I had a vision of the family we would be, but eventually had to let go of that vision and accept the reality of what things were. I would complain to the Lord "Why me?", but deep down inside I knew that HE had equipped me to handle this season of my life. 

Before I even became a single mom I was always up for an adventure. God has just created me with a personality that loves change and challenges. If I'm honest, I never did things the traditional easy way even before I became a single mom. Part of this has to do with the way I grew up. My dad once took us on a vacation to South Dakota. We literally just hopped in the van and left. No hotels were booked ahead of time and we just took our time exploring on the way down. I also remember waking up on random Saturday mornings to one of my parents telling me "Wake up we are going out to eat for breakfast in 5 minutes". I would proceed to jump out of bed, frantically throw on some clothes, and run out the door. When I was 18 I moved states away and the prospect of not knowing hardly anyone excited me. I wanted to become a missionary and had no fear of moving to a new country and adjusting to a new culture. Most people would say "I hope God just doesn't cal me to Africa", and here I was hoping He would call me to Africa or the Amazon jungle. After having Carter, I drove up to Indiana by myself with a 2 year old and newborn. I'd attempt to nurse him, change diapers, and take my 2 year old potty at our gas stops. After 10+ hours of driving alone in the car we made it... with a screaming baby in the back and a two year old having a temper tantrum with an m&m stuck to his chin.

The list goes on and on.... Some of my ventures were great... and many..oh so many of them not so great. 

So as you can see.... I've never done things the easy traditional way. After becoming a single mom I would think "Why, God, do things have to be so hard?". But He would remind me that I would have a crazy life even if I wasn't a single mom... because that is just how I am. He had given me to personality to handle life as a single mom. And just when life would seem unbearable He would send someone to help me out. 

Now I can see in hindsight God's active working all throughout my life preparing me for this past season of my life. I just had to take a step back from the present and read the past.

Relinquishing Control

My name is Christina. I am a woman... and I am a controller. I'm throughly convinced that control issues and being a woman go hand in hand. Why you ask? Because of our blessed blessed ancestor, Eve. She had everything we long for... intimate fellowship with God in His actual presence and a painless sinless life in the garden. I LONG to be in the presence of the Lord. I still have spiritual fellowship with him, but there is a part of my heart that will never be completely content here on earth and is left longing to be with him physically. She had this, so what happened. She felt like God was holding out on her... so she took matters in her own hands and ate the forbidden fruit. This soon tied in with her curse...

"... and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee." (Genesis 3:16b)

Deep inside she longs for her husband to lead her and love her just as she is. So why is this a curse? It is a curse because it requires vulnerability. She has to expose her heart to receive love, which could result in rejection. This not only could result in rejection, but it must certainly would result in rejection from time to time because her husband now has a sin nature. So what does she do about this? She must take matters in her own hands.

She seeks to control her relationships to ensure love and acceptance. She manipulates her circumstances to prevent rejection. She puts a wall around her heart so she will never be hurt again. She carefully denies and hides the tender vulnerable areas in her heart. She must be tough... She feels weak at times, but must hide that because it will result in rejection. She reaches out in her relationships... out of manipulation to receive love in return. Overall, she must stay in control of her relationships. She cannot depend on others because she is not in control of how they will respond to her. She longs for unconditional love... but that is not something she can control... so she settles for whatever kind of love she can receive from her own efforts.

So yeah, that me. The past few weeks have just been filled with a tornado of events that I cannot control. Many of these events involved my children. Those of you who are mothers would agree that we want to be in control of everything that happens to our kiddos. But sometimes they get hurt and there is nothing we can do about it... and we long to take their pain away. In my sinful nature I have scrambled to regain control and have tried to take matters in my own hands, but the Lord kept whispering in my ear, "Child let go... let me handle this." I envisioned myself telling Him "No, they need me to help them." (Guess I'm a little more like Eve that I want to admit). Now I'm in a place where there is no denying that I'm out of control. I'm completely utterly dependent on God to come through for my family. Honestly, it is a scary place to be, but how awesome is it to know that He won't let me down. He knows all my weaknesses and ugly parts of my heart, yet promises to take care of me... if I will just let Him.

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11)

My piano shipwrecks

Many of you know that I play the piano. I love playing. It's a wonderful stress reliever for me. There can be utter chaos in my living room with all the boys.. screaming, wrestling, etc... and somehow I can just shut it all out when I put my hands on the keys. I enter my own little peaceful musical island when I   play. I know what you are thinking... I would love to hear her perform sometime. The problem is that I cannot bring others on this island with me. We shipwreck on the way.

I discovered this at one of my first piano recitals. I was going to play a beautiful Chopin song and became so nervous that I literally had an emotional breakdown before I played... in the hallway sobbing because I was so nervous. So naturally you are thinking... I bet she played just fine. Nope. Some people perform well when they are nervous.. and some people shipwreck. I simply crash.

So lets fast forward a couple of years. I was chosen to perform in our junior high classical piano category in competition with other schools. I sat down at the piano. Played the first page by memory.... then I played the first page again by memory... and played it one more time... and then I got up and left the room. I forgot the last two pages.

A year later I played offertory in front of the church. Halfway through the song I became so nervous that my hands AND knees were furiously shaking. It was so bad that I seriously contemplated just getting up and leaving halfway through the song. I fumbled through the piece and pressed on.

Fast forward a few more years where I am grown and married in new church. I sat down at the piano to play offertory... started the usual shaking of the hands and knees... went to turn the page and dropped the book.

A few months after that I decided to sing in front of church and accompany myself on the piano. I was singing and went to turn the page... and I didn't drop the book this time... I knocked over the microphone.

That didn't stop me. I chose another song to sing and accompany myself on the piano to. I sat down and noticed the mic was too low to the piano. The music pastor went to adjust it for me. I started singing and the microphone slowly began to fall.... until in was laying on the piano. So there I am trying to tilt my head low while singing and attempted to press the keys around the mic.

You would think all of this would keep me on my private musical island, but I haven't given up yet. Someday I will turn this into a public island regardless of how many shipwrecks I have to endure on the way!

Secure enough to be insecure

I'm convinced that all women battle with insecurity. In the very core of her being, she asks herself "Am I lovable?". Her experiences in life either answer that question with a simple "yes" or "no". They tell her "I'm lovable if I _____ (fill in the blank)" and "I'm not lovable if I _____."

One woman spends her life trying to do the things that would validate that she is loved and another woman puts up a wall around her heart, convincing herself that she needs no one to validate her worth. The first woman thinks she is lovable if she physically looks good, or is agreeable with others, or stays neat and organized, or is a hard worker, or is desirable to men, or has one that calls her a best friend, etc. She pours her life into whatever she has filled her "blank" in with, which results in a strand of heartbreaks and rejection, ultimately reaffirming her fear that she is not lovable.

The second woman has tasted the sting of rejection and the pain of being told or shown that she is unlovable. She will never let anyone cause her to feel unlovable ever again... so she puts up a wall around her heart. She is tough. She is strong. She is in control. She needs nobody, but feels as though everybody needs her. But beneath her tough exterior is a longing for the little girl inside of her to be loved. She longs for the sensitive fragile areas of her heart to be loved, but knows the risk involved in exposing those areas.

We cannot truly love others if we are seeking for them to validate our worth. We may do nice things for them or look sacrificial, but our motive isn't because we love them. We "sacrifice" so they will validate that we are worth loving. Ultimately, we are manipulating them to affirm our worth. We also cannot truly love others and let others in to love us if we put up a wall around our heart.
We can try to get rid of our strategies to affirm our validation, exposing our flaws and imperfections. We can let down the wall around our heart and let others see our fragile heart, showing our neediness and longing to be loved. But we will still be affirmed in our sinful world that we are not lovable. This is typically what we are told to do in counseling. Expose your heart to others and let them see the real you. Risk rejection.... not only risk it, but know you will face it.

So how do we do this?! We have to know who we are in Christ. I've been studying though Ephesians and I've realized that Paul spends the first chapter thoroughly explaining the position believers have in Christ. He first explains to them who they are. He didn't do this by accident. He knew they could not live out their faith practically until they understood the core of who they were. They were chosen, redeemed, declared righteous and holy. Once they understood who there were, THEN they could live it out practically.

Yes, Christian women are still going to struggle with insecurity, but they are given the tools to combat those insecurities. God affirms that they are lovable.  Ephesians 1:5 states that "In love ⁵ he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will" This shows that they are not lovable if _____. Christ adopted them simply "in love"... simply because He loves them. It shows that they will never be unlovable if _____. Christ knew the deepest darkest places of their heart and still chose to adopt them as His daughters. 

So I challenge you to be real... admit your insecurities, expose your heart, expose your weaknesses, let others love OR reject the real you. Yes, you will hurt. That's just part of loving others well, but you know in the back of your mind they cannot crush the core of who you are: a chosen, loved, and holy daughter of Christ.