Sunday, May 27, 2012
This past January after a bridal show my business parter/best friend/soul mate and I had some BIG decisions to make about our cake business. We were growing and had some good opportunities come our way. I had come to a point in my life where I was dependent on the income and had to decide if I wanted to go full throttle with the cakes or find a different career. The problem with the cakes is that I knew I could NOT do it with the kids around. I tried to stick it out and be a stay at home mom at the same time. I am not one to say I can't do something, but after SHEER UTTER chaos with the kiddos every time I went to work on an order, I finally had to admit it wasn't working. (Ohhhhhh, how Tabatha and I have some horror stories about our kids and...well...cake!! I'll save those for another blog :)
The Lord was convicting Tabatha as well about our business. Last fall we had a good conversation where we both admited that we were taking on too much. Its so easy to play it off as a blessing from God.... every time an order would come in we would get excited. People liked our product and were choosing to do their business with US, God is good. But something just didn't add up with that statement because our kids were being neglected and that clearly was not part of His will. We admited that the business made us feel good about ourselves, but wasn't God's best for our lives. So in the fall we took one step back. After January we decided to finish out our contracts and orders and phase out the business. The night I officially made up my mind to phase out the business was a hard one for me. I loved the businesss and it was so sad to let it go. I had a good cry over it and then God began to so graciously bless my decision. That'll be for part 2 because this is getting pretty long :)
Sunday, May 6, 2012
I was reading Phillipians 2 about putting others above yourself. I became plagued with guilt realizing that I have not been doing that. I repented of it, but did not feel any better. I was still filled with guilt and hated who I was. I prayed about it and dug through my heart realizing that I felt so unloveable and worthless. I wanted desperately to do something wonderful sacrificial and noble to prove to everyone that I am not selfish anymore... that I am worth loving. But right here, right now, in my life I am wounded and can't do anything "grand". I am emotionally and physically worn out... and God is ok with that. I feel like He is just asking me to receive His love right now and I have to muster enough strength to pour that into my kids.
Then it hit me. I am living my spiritual life for approval (yes, I know I've blogged about this before and I should have already realized this by now, but I guess its a process :P ). So many of the works I do "for God" are really for approval. I should serve out of gratitude and love for Him.
So this is the way my prayer ended. I know I'm selfish and I want to work on that. AND other people might think I'm selfish too because, well, I have been. I'm so thankful that You (God) deeply love me and call me your beloved right here...right now. That thought actually blows my mind and fills me with gratitude and love for You. I'm not going to strive to change other's opinions of me or prove that I'm some kind of super christian... because I'm not. I want to serve You simply because...I love You.