One woman spends her life trying to do the things that would validate that she is loved and another woman puts up a wall around her heart, convincing herself that she needs no one to validate her worth. The first woman thinks she is lovable if she physically looks good, or is agreeable with others, or stays neat and organized, or is a hard worker, or is desirable to men, or has one that calls her a best friend, etc. She pours her life into whatever she has filled her "blank" in with, which results in a strand of heartbreaks and rejection, ultimately reaffirming her fear that she is not lovable.
The second woman has tasted the sting of rejection and the pain of being told or shown that she is unlovable. She will never let anyone cause her to feel unlovable ever again... so she puts up a wall around her heart. She is tough. She is strong. She is in control. She needs nobody, but feels as though everybody needs her. But beneath her tough exterior is a longing for the little girl inside of her to be loved. She longs for the sensitive fragile areas of her heart to be loved, but knows the risk involved in exposing those areas.
We cannot truly love others if we are seeking for them to validate our worth. We may do nice things for them or look sacrificial, but our motive isn't because we love them. We "sacrifice" so they will validate that we are worth loving. Ultimately, we are manipulating them to affirm our worth. We also cannot truly love others and let others in to love us if we put up a wall around our heart.
We can try to get rid of our strategies to affirm our validation, exposing our flaws and imperfections. We can let down the wall around our heart and let others see our fragile heart, showing our neediness and longing to be loved. But we will still be affirmed in our sinful world that we are not lovable. This is typically what we are told to do in counseling. Expose your heart to others and let them see the real you. Risk rejection.... not only risk it, but know you will face it.
So how do we do this?! We have to know who we are in Christ. I've been studying though Ephesians and I've realized that Paul spends the first chapter thoroughly explaining the position believers have in Christ. He first explains to them who they are. He didn't do this by accident. He knew they could not live out their faith practically until they understood the core of who they were. They were chosen, redeemed, declared righteous and holy. Once they understood who there were, THEN they could live it out practically.
Yes, Christian women are still going to struggle with insecurity, but they are given the tools to combat those insecurities. God affirms that they are lovable. Ephesians 1:5 states that "In love 5 he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will" This shows that they are not lovable if _____. Christ adopted them simply "in love"... simply because He loves them. It shows that they will never be unlovable if _____. Christ knew the deepest darkest places of their heart and still chose to adopt them as His daughters.
So I challenge you to be real... admit your insecurities, expose your heart, expose your weaknesses, let others love OR reject the real you. Yes, you will hurt. That's just part of loving others well, but you know in the back of your mind they cannot crush the core of who you are: a chosen, loved, and holy daughter of Christ.