family pic

family pic

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Part II of last weeks meltdown

Well, do you remember my last post about needing help and how I was hoping that in my next post I would be able to talk about how I mustered up the courage to ask for help?... I didn't even have to really ask for it, God just poured His mercy and grace on me, and I've gotten the help I need.

After writing the blog I went to Bible study with some of the girls from church and basically had a melt down. I told you I had hit my limit. My sweet friend Becky asked if she could come the next day and help out and I said....yes :) We had a great time just talking, taking turns holding Kydon, and cleaning. Sometimes I think I just need someone to sit with me and talk to me while I clean... I know its a bit pathetic isn't it! Then my sunday school teacher, Kathy, called and asked if she could come out on Wednesday and help me create a schedule for help. She came and we figured out all of my needs right now and she came up with a plan for getting me help. We also had a great talk and it was spiritually refreshing. I went to sunday school this morning and she announced what I'm needing and invited the class to come out to my house in a few weeks to clean and organize the place.

To top it all off, I ended up having some big emotional trials come my way this week... remember last week I had reached my limit! God just poured help and support on me to get me through the week. It wasn't part of His will to take the trials away, but He gave me strength I needed to endure. If He hadn't been working in my heart last week to get me to admit that I needed help and accept offers, I would have been a complete mess this week!

After church it was just me and Kydon, who had fallen asleep in the car. I knew that he would wake up as soon as I got him out of the car, so I decided to get some Mcdonalds and just eat it in the car. I started reading my Bible, praying and reflecting on the things the Lord has been teaching me. I wondered why it was part of God's story for me, to go through so many trials. I know God brings trials in your life to bring you closer to Him, and I became discouraged thinking that I must be pretty messed up to require such a big trial to make me more Christ like. Then I thought about Joseph. He wasn't that messed up to begin with right! and he had to suffer some pretty intense suffering. BUT God had a big plan for him that required Him to go through extra suffering to prepare Him for his calling. That was just his story. He has a different story than Moses, Isaiah, Mary, Paul and Peter. Their suffereing all came in different degrees in different stages of their lives. That is because each of their lives contains a different story. So, I concluded that I shouldn't be ashamed of where I'm at now, wishing my story was the same as other people's stories. I need to claim it as part of the unique story the Lord has written for my life to ultimately bring others to Christ.

Sunday, April 10, 2011


This week I've really struggled managing life in general. I typically live in denial about how hard my life actually is being alone as a mother and trying to provide for my family. I just keep going. My kids can't afford for me to give up for a while. Its just not an option. I usually let it all out to my mom...pretty much daily! and keep going. But eventually I can't deny how hard things are and it just gets too hard for me. That's where I'm at right now. I just can't pretend anymore that I've got this and I can do it. Its too hard. A few months ago I was really struggling because I prayed and confidently believed that God would give me the strength that I needed. The following week EVERYTHING went wrong. One particuliar day I lost my keys, lost my phone, was late getting out, got lost and couldn't call anyone for directions because I lost my phone. Yes, that is a true story!! I became bitter because things were just too hard for me and God wasn't answering my prayer. He wasn't enough for me. What do I do now?

The end of the week I was praying about it and the thought (probably the holy spirit) came to me, maby God did this on purpose. Maby He is trying to show me that I can't do this. He wanted me to fall on my face to show me that I NEED help. I argued the thought, saying that I just don't have it. I have no family here.... but I have my family in Christ...but that's not the same. I would be humilated for them to see my messy house (and by that I mean MESSY!), and chaotic life. When others are around I've got to get my life in order before I can let them in. The thought of letting others in, in such a choatic state was just humilating for me. But I felt like there was no denying that God wanted me to do exactly that. I actually thought "I need to call someone to help, but I don't have time to clean up before they come to clean up"...haha right! Anyways I broke down and sent out an email to my sunday school class and got tons of help that month.

Well, here I am again. I need help, but HATE HATE asking for it. I can't convince myself that things are ok, bc things are falling apart. I've got a sick baby, all of us are sleep deprived, I'm trying to work, spend time with the boys, and keep up with housework....and its not working! I've had two people offer help and it is just so hard for me to accept it. I feel like I'm taking advantage of them, that I'm not being a good mom bc my boys need me, and pretty much awful about myself if I accept it without repaying them in some way. BUT I've got to get over it, suck it up, and accept help.

Today my pastor said something that wasn't a big part of the sermon, but it stuck out to me. He said that if we have an itch, Satan wants to scratch it. He wants us to find comfort in sin. I thought about how right now I have some big needs (itches) that I'm dying to have scratched! I can pretend that they are not there, but eventually I will want them scratched. If I don't deal with them and accept help, I'll be giving Satan an opportunity lure me away from God and soothe me with sin. So, I'm hoping that my next post will be about how I've accepted help and what God has done in my life through it!

Friday, April 1, 2011

My bizarre dream...

My mom is in town this week and yesterday we decided to take the boys to concord mills mall yesterday. We had a blast and completed the trip with a few bags of candy and popcorn for the ride home. We got home around 9 and I went to bed around 11 feeling a little sick from all of the sugar I consumed! I fell asleep, woke up at 3, couldn't go back to sleep until 5, which produced this dream...

(My parents) I am going to church, where I am suppossed to sing a special, get there (which by the way was not my church), and realized that I forgot the cds. I found my mom and told her that I thought I have enough time to run home and grab them. She told me that my sister was getting married (who is already married) before church. I thought that I probably should be there since I was the maid of honor then realized that I didn't have a bridesmaid dress so I probably wasn't in the wedding to which I was relieved by.

(My sister's actual wedding day)

It is now time for the wedding to start and my friend's son, who is a kid, walks down the isle and I suddenly realize that he is getting married. We all were a bit disturbed, but somehow in this dream it made sense!

I am now suddenly in harry potter land...and I am harry. ( I am reading the books and don't know the ending yet....someone has told me that everyone dies in the end, but I refuse to believe that). I find Dumbledore...realizing that he comes back to life (what I am secretly wishing to happen even though it seems highly unlikely), and together we save the world.

(It looked something like this)

Gradually after I woke up this dream all started coming back to me, and I concluded three things. 1. That was probably the most bizarre dream that I have ever had. 2. I should junk food before going to bed again. 3. I have got to get a coffee maker.