This week I've really struggled managing life in general. I typically live in denial about how hard my life actually is being alone as a mother and trying to provide for my family. I just keep going. My kids can't afford for me to give up for a while. Its just not an option. I usually let it all out to my mom...pretty much daily! and keep going. But eventually I can't deny how hard things are and it just gets too hard for me. That's where I'm at right now. I just can't pretend anymore that I've got this and I can do it. Its too hard. A few months ago I was really struggling because I prayed and confidently believed that God would give me the strength that I needed. The following week EVERYTHING went wrong. One particuliar day I lost my keys, lost my phone, was late getting out, got lost and couldn't call anyone for directions because I lost my phone. Yes, that is a true story!! I became bitter because things were just too hard for me and God wasn't answering my prayer. He wasn't enough for me. What do I do now?
The end of the week I was praying about it and the thought (probably the holy spirit) came to me, maby God did this on purpose. Maby He is trying to show me that I can't do this. He wanted me to fall on my face to show me that I NEED help. I argued the thought, saying that I just don't have it. I have no family here.... but I have my family in Christ...but that's not the same. I would be humilated for them to see my messy house (and by that I mean MESSY!), and chaotic life. When others are around I've got to get my life in order before I can let them in. The thought of letting others in, in such a choatic state was just humilating for me. But I felt like there was no denying that God wanted me to do exactly that. I actually thought "I need to call someone to help, but I don't have time to clean up before they come to clean up"...haha right! Anyways I broke down and sent out an email to my sunday school class and got tons of help that month.
Well, here I am again. I need help, but HATE HATE asking for it. I can't convince myself that things are ok, bc things are falling apart. I've got a sick baby, all of us are sleep deprived, I'm trying to work, spend time with the boys, and keep up with housework....and its not working! I've had two people offer help and it is just so hard for me to accept it. I feel like I'm taking advantage of them, that I'm not being a good mom bc my boys need me, and pretty much awful about myself if I accept it without repaying them in some way. BUT I've got to get over it, suck it up, and accept help.
Today my pastor said something that wasn't a big part of the sermon, but it stuck out to me. He said that if we have an itch, Satan wants to scratch it. He wants us to find comfort in sin. I thought about how right now I have some big needs (itches) that I'm dying to have scratched! I can pretend that they are not there, but eventually I will want them scratched. If I don't deal with them and accept help, I'll be giving Satan an opportunity lure me away from God and soothe me with sin. So, I'm hoping that my next post will be about how I've accepted help and what God has done in my life through it!