I thought I'd take a time out from my story and write about what the Lord is currently doing in my life.
A couple of days ago I broke down and put together a budget. Things were looking a bit bleak with just the essentials, so I had to get a plan together. I was going to have to get on food stamps.
Yesterday I swung by the department of social services to apply. Embarrassed, I walked into the office hoping to get in and out of there (Little did I know this would be a three hour stop). As I was standing in line I tried to justify why it was ok for me to be on government assistance. I thought about how I was working my way off help, yes, this was for people like me. Then it hit me that I had told myself those words a few years ago. Ugh... I thought about how I'm no better than the people I was standing in line with... even the guy with a huge devil embroidered on his pants :P After spending three hours with my thoughts I found consolation in my education and plans to finish my degree. In a few years I would have a steady career and wouldn't be so needy.
I came home and listened to a podcast about our identity in Christ. He gave things outside of Christ we put our identity in... Ouch. I had decided that I would be content with my life when I am financially stable and have done something important with my life. I had let my circumstances define who I was... which was a single mom on government assistance. I've let that define who I am now.
I was a bit depressed when I realized I had put my hope in circumstances because I thought I had moved past that struggle. After my divorce I had to put my hope in my position in Christ.. my future plans were removed and all I had was Christ. I started to understand what it meant to find my identity in Christ and not in my accomplishments. But I had slowly started to let my circumstances define me and put my hope in a future identity I would make for myself.
I'm not saying that education and financial plans are wrong, but they become sin when our identity... what defines who we are... is placed in them. So here I am again thankful for God's grace and forgiveness, hoping to rediscover my identity in Him.