family pic

family pic

Monday, November 5, 2012

Ideals and Grace

Here recently I have been plagued with guilt. There is a certain way in my mind I have decided my life must be. For example I've decided that I will be the best parent I can possibly be. Everything you say a mom is supposed to be I will be. Therefore I think I'm supposed to single handedly do homework with my kids, read to them at night, have conversations with them about school, play games with them, play with them outside, and cultivate a relationship between them and God (I've given up on the whole fixing dinner thing.. and don't really feel guilty about that one :P).

Then I just can't do it- I try and I can't- I usually ask the boys' daddy to help out- Then I'm filled with guilt- Which typically causes me to avoid the Lord-Then I resolve to try harder. And so the cycle goes on...

I typically get frustrated when people tell me that I need to simply pray for God to help me. In my mind I interpret that to mean that my life can be the idealistic way I want it to be if I just prayed. I know its not possible to be all those things, so I typically don't pray for God to give me the grace and power I need. I just try REALLY REALLY hard.

It hit me at church yesterday that I am trying to do this all on my own. I've got this attitude that everyone is depending on me and its up to me to be the mother my kids need.... going a little deeper I also feel like its up to me to be a good daughter of Christ. He needs me to not mess up my walk with Him again. But it doesn't work like that. He wants me to empty myself and admit that that even my best for Him is filthy. What if when I sinned and didn't measure up as a mother or as God's daughter... I came to Christ and simply told Him that I needed Him... I didn't resolve to be an ideal... but simply admitted what I was and asked for His grace and power... and got right back up? I don't want it to give me an excuse to sin and be a lousy parent, but it does give me a sense of freedom. It takes the pressure off ME a bit and gives me excitement to see how HE is going to work through me...