family pic

family pic

Monday, April 9, 2012

Who I am

The past couple of months I had pretty much given up spiritually. I was just going through the motions for the sake of my children. One thing after another seemed to be going wrong. Just when I thought I couldn't take anymore, another trial would be thrown at me. And one day I grew numb to it all. There were no more tears, no more hurt, and no desire to edure the pain and continue serving the Lord. I went down a sinful path that I thought I couldn't get out of. What would people think of me if they knew who I really was behind my smiling pretend face?

I felt trapped in my sin, until one day I felt the Lord hammering on my heart after church one Sunday. I finally broke down and told my two best friends who I had become. They've been a great support system and I now know I can share anything with them and not have to be afraid of them running! I resolved to do whatever it took to get out of my sin, even if that meant exposing what a wretched sinner I was. I met with my pastor and shared with him where I was in life and he helped me get a game plan for getting things back on track.

Now I've been engulfed in guilt. I have an ideal of who I want to be spiritually and I pretend to be that. I try so hard to be blameless and perfect, but I've had to accept I've failed. That ideal just isn't me...no matter how hard I try. I can't pretend anymore. I've just gotta accept who I am, which is a girl who messes up and doesn't have it all together spiritually. That makes me cringe inside. I don't want to be that. I'm suppossed to be the girl you go to for advice, that helps people, involved in ministries. Not someone that needs to be ministered to a fed for the time being. Its so humbling, but it ultimately shows me a deeper issue going on in my soul. Why do I have to have everyone's approval? Why can nobody know about any of the sin inside of me? Because they may not like me. I long for unconditional love, but deep inside I believe that you have to have your act together to receive it. Now I'm in a very vulnerable place where I can't pretend I have it all together. Especially as I've been going through my divorce I see myself so desperately trying to look absolutely perfect. Its inevitable that I will face some judegment for the divorce, so I hope that by looking absolutely 100% blameless I might defer their judgment. (Typing that makes me realize how silly that sounds :) If I'm honest this has brought out the worst in me. I may, actually probably will, face some rejection, so how do I get through this. Well, I'm starting to get a glimpse of God's unconditional love. I have nothing to offer him right now and all He asks is that I accept His love. He's been so merciful on me and has taken care of me even when I wasn't giving Him credit for it or seeking Him out. I can't say I've found all comfort in Him yet, I think that's going to be a process.... but I feel like I'm going to gain a better understanding of the kind of love He has for me the next few months. So I guess this is all to be continued :)