family pic

family pic

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Tantrums

This past week, really the past couple of months, have.been.hard. Typing that feels like quite the understatement. People ask me how I'm doing and I just don't think they'd understand, nor could handle me explaining how crazy life is right now....so I simply smile and say I've been busy. They reply that they are busy too and I force myself to empathize with them... and shove my anxiety and overwhelmedness (pretty sure I just made that word up :P) down and try to ignore it. I guess I've figured accepting it will only cause me to be incredibly sad and angry, so I choose not to accept it. I'm realizing that's pretty dysfunctional and is a sinful strategy as choose to not be vulnerable and expose my pain in order to keep people from hurting/rejecting me. It is also creating bitterness inside of me as I'm disappointed with people for not being there for me. 

So with that said the past few months Kydon has been difficult to deal with. When I pick him up from preschool It feels like he has one long tantrum til bed time. I know something is wrong but I can't figure out what it is. His reflux has been worse, and I want to blame the tantrums on that, but honestly I don't think that is what it is. I know part of it has to do with development. He can't communicate well and he will scream the few words that he knows to tell me what he wants. But honestly I just don't know what is going on. 

I have tried to disassociate my feelings from his tantrums and just mechanically deal with them. I will seriously loose my mind if I think about them too much and become angry. Inevitably I'll hit my breaking point from time to time and take a "mommy time out". Yesterday was awful. I finally accepted my frustration and had a tantrum with the Lord. Why....why, why, why do I have to deal with this!!! My life is seriously already incredibly hard!!! What are you thinking Lord? Aren't you supposed to be good?! Honestly I'm still trying to figure this out. This isn't the first time I've felt this way and I know that God was working in my life in the past when I felt surrounded by chaos. That gives me hope that I'll be able to look back at this time in my life and know that He was actively involved and working His plan in my life. I just want some sweet assurance right now that He is for me...that he is rooting for me. I heard this song, Not For a Moment by Meredith Andrews, on the radio and it has been my rock the past few days:

                                                                         You were reaching through the storm 
walking on the water 
even when I could not see 
in the middle of it all 
when I thought You were a thousand miles away 
not for a moment did You forsake me 
not for a moment did You forsake me 

after all You are constant 
after all You are only good 
after all You are sovereign 
not for a moment will You forsake me 
not for a moment will You forsake me 

You were singing in the dark 
whispering Your promise 
even when I could not hear 
I was held in Your arms 
carried for a thousand miles to show 
Not for a moment did You forsake me 

and every step every breath you are there 
every tear every cry every prayer 
in my heart at my worst 
when my world falls down 
not for a moment will You forsake me 
even in the dark 
even when it's hard 
you will never leave me 
after all 

not for a moment will You forsake me

Good stuff right?! I can't say that I am now in perfect peace with my circumstances, but I do know with assurance that I'll be able to look back on this stage of my life and see God's hand even though I can't see it right now.