Guilt

Last week was a crazy week for me and yesterday I knew I needed some good quality time with God. I had been just reading a few verses in the morning and begging Him to give me the energy and will power to get through the day... and when I still wasn't feeling it I just begged for Him to give me the desire to get out of bed!

I was reading Phillipians 2 about putting others above yourself. I became plagued with guilt realizing that I have not been doing that. I repented of it, but did not feel any better. I was still filled with guilt and hated who I was. I prayed about it and dug through my heart realizing that I felt so unloveable and worthless. I wanted desperately to do something wonderful sacrificial and noble to prove to everyone that I am not selfish anymore... that I am worth loving. But right here, right now, in my life I am wounded and can't do anything "grand". I am emotionally and physically worn out... and God is ok with that. I feel like He is just asking me to receive His love right now and I have to muster enough strength to pour that into my kids.

Then it hit me. I am living my spiritual life for approval (yes, I know I've blogged about this before and I should have already realized this by now, but I guess its a process :P ). So many of the works I do "for God" are really for approval. I should serve out of gratitude and love for Him.

So this is the way my prayer ended. I know I'm selfish and I want to work on that. AND other people might think I'm selfish too because, well, I have been. I'm so thankful that You (God) deeply love me and call me your beloved right here...right now. That thought actually blows my mind and fills me with gratitude and love for You. I'm not going to strive to change other's opinions of me or prove that I'm some kind of super christian... because I'm not.  I want to serve You simply because...I love You.