The past couple of months I had pretty much given up spiritually. I was just going through the motions for the sake of my children. One thing after another seemed to be going wrong. Just when I thought I couldn't take anymore, another trial would be thrown at me. And one day I grew numb to it all. There were no more tears, no more hurt, and no desire to edure the pain and continue serving the Lord. I went down a sinful path that I thought I couldn't get out of. What would people think of me if they knew who I really was behind my smiling pretend face?
I felt trapped in my sin, until one day I felt the Lord hammering on my heart after church one Sunday. I finally broke down and told my two best friends who I had become. They've been a great support system and I now know I can share anything with them and not have to be afraid of them running! I resolved to do whatever it took to get out of my sin, even if that meant exposing what a wretched sinner I was. I met with my pastor and shared with him where I was in life and he helped me get a game plan for getting things back on track.
Now I've been engulfed in guilt. I have an ideal of who I want to be spiritually and I pretend to be that. I try so hard to be blameless and perfect, but I've had to accept I've failed. That ideal just isn't me...no matter how hard I try. I can't pretend anymore. I've just gotta accept who I am, which is a girl who messes up and doesn't have it all together spiritually. That makes me cringe inside. I don't want to be that. I'm suppossed to be the girl you go to for advice, that helps people, involved in ministries. Not someone that needs to be ministered to a fed for the time being. Its so humbling, but it ultimately shows me a deeper issue going on in my soul. Why do I have to have everyone's approval? Why can nobody know about any of the sin inside of me? Because they may not like me. I long for unconditional love, but deep inside I believe that you have to have your act together to receive it. Now I'm in a very vulnerable place where I can't pretend I have it all together. Especially as I've been going through my divorce I see myself so desperately trying to look absolutely perfect. Its inevitable that I will face some judegment for the divorce, so I hope that by looking absolutely 100% blameless I might defer their judgment. (Typing that makes me realize how silly that sounds :) If I'm honest this has brought out the worst in me. I may, actually probably will, face some rejection, so how do I get through this. Well, I'm starting to get a glimpse of God's unconditional love. I have nothing to offer him right now and all He asks is that I accept His love. He's been so merciful on me and has taken care of me even when I wasn't giving Him credit for it or seeking Him out. I can't say I've found all comfort in Him yet, I think that's going to be a process.... but I feel like I'm going to gain a better understanding of the kind of love He has for me the next few months. So I guess this is all to be continued :)
I understand exactly what you are talking about and how you are feeling because I too have struggled in these same feelings. Even more recently than I would like to admit. KC said to me once that we are afraid to be that transparent with what is going on with us because we are afraid that people will hear of our sin or insecurity or whatever we are struggling with and that they will then define us by what we have judged ourselves and believe is truth about us. I don't know that I'm aptly explaining what she was saying, but I hope I am. Basically, that to say to someone, I am ________ (fill in with whatever we feel about ourselves or list a sin) and then we fear that it will define us to anyone who knows. And in truth, shared with the wrong person, it very well might, but it never does to God. He already knows everything about us and He loves us as if we are without a single blemish. I believe we HAVE to be willing to share, just as you did this post. It dispels the lie that we are alone. It dispels any number of lies that promote our trying to get through this life and the struggles and trials on our own. I needed to read your words. I needed to remember that I am not alone, not in my sin and not in my salvation. Thank you for sharing this part of your story. I am grateful. I'm also praying for you, and better equipped to pray specifically. I love you girl!
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