Problem with Problems

This past month I've been struggling spiritually. It seemed like one trial after another was being thrown on me and I wanted a break. I just got to a point when I thought, seriously God, I can't take any more. So I tried to avoid my problems, and essentially God bc serving Him included going through trials, not avoiding them. But the problem with avoiding problems, is that they don't go away and become even bigger problems! How do I know this you ask?...Bc that's what happend to me... and therefore, it must happen to everybody else :P

So here I am, realizing how much I need God and once again standing in need of His grace. This chapter of my story just...kind of...stinks! In the divorce care class I went to the goal was for us to be something along the lines of single and whole. I want to be that, but right now I don't feel like that will happen any time soon...or later...or ever! BUT that's what I want to be. I just have got to figure out how to get there and not numb my pain with sin.

I know this is a bit of a downer post, but I thought it would be therapeutic to blog about what's going on inside of me and give my blogger friends some insight as to what to pray about for me.

A new chapter

Its been a while since my last post and thought it was time for an update. We moved about 10min from our town home in winston salem to kernersville. I'll admit, the move was tough and full of emotions. I was officially a single mom on my own. The week of the move I was pretty down, which makes it nearly impossible to get packing done! My friends and church family really came through for me and I pretty much had someone with me at all times helping me pack. The day before the move I had a full house of friends helping me out, and the day of the move a group of men from the church came and got us all moved in. I even had friends come over afterwards to help me unpack and organize. During that time I felt so unworthy of some much help and love. I wanted to repay everyone, but had nothing to repay them with...other than cake! I was shown so much grace, unmerrited undeserving grace. I was given a glimpse of Christ through the selfless love I was shown.

We are now getting settled in and I am actually thankful for our new place. We live right behind one of my very dear friends, Becky, who is renting her trailer out to us for an incredibly low price. So I live next door to one of my best friends...whose children are best friends with my children...who share their yard with my kids...which is complete with all kinds of places to explore, a trampoline, and even a little slide that kydon is in love with. I have a new oven in here, a dishwasher that actually dries my dishes, and a huge tub that the boys have taken over. Initially I really struggled with giving up my dream for a place of my own and becoming so dependent on others, but I'm starting to see how this is good for me right now.

after football practice...

I just thought I'd post a follow up on Carter's first football practice. Here are his exact words in the car on the way home from practice...

"Football is the BEST, Football is the BEST!!!!"

(that pretty much sums it all up)

(their halloween costumes a couple of years ago, soon I'll be able to post a picture of them in their first official uniforms :)

Carter's Quote of the Day

Quinton and Carter have been signed up to play flag football at the YMCA. Quinton is thrilled. Carter...well, not so much. Carter wouldn't participate in anything if it were up to him. He is perfectly content with staying home with his legos all day. I want him to give other activities a try before he rules them out. I thought that maby he is worried about getting tackled, so there in our minivan I explained the game to him. How if the ball is thrown to him, he will get to run as fast as he can to make a touch down. How when the other team has the ball, he will get to chase them and try to tear a flag. How they will get to protect their team mates. We pull in the driveway as I finish and just sit there in silence. I can see his little mind processing this information. I wonder if I have sold it to him so I ask

"well Carter, are you excited about football"

"no"

"why not?"


"because I hate it"

(end of conversation)

My not so ideal evening

Today I was exhausted. We had a busy stressful day and it hit me at some point during the day... my kids have eaten sooooo unhealthy lately. I decided I was just going to have to push through the physical and emotional exhaustion and make a good healthy home cooked meal. I envisioned all of us around the table talking, laughing, and just enjoying each other as we ate this wonderful meal.





After I picked Quinton up from school I started on the meal. I thought this could be a fun family activity. The boys were glued to the TV and wouldn't aswer when I asked them to help mommy. I ended up loosing it with them and yelled at them to listen to me. Not a great start to our fun filled family evening. Kydon hung onto my legs the whole time and screamed at me. I was cooking on the stove top, turned my back and turned around to see him on a stool reaching for the stove. My heart momentarily stopped as I moved him and tossed the stool into the other room. He proceed to reach for the sink and scream at me. He wanted a sink bath. I thought that could me nice. He could play happily in the sink while I finished dinner. Not so much. He played for a whole 5 min and started to crawl onto the counter. I took him out, let him cry, and frantically finished dinner.





Dinner is cooked. I put kydon's food in his high chair and go ahead and place him in it. As I'm filling the boys' plates I see he is throwing all his food on the floor. I try to get him to eat...add BBQ to his chicken and look over to see the boys eating up their food....without me. I finally sit down and Kydon stands up to inform me he is finished. I get him out of the chair and he cries at my legs while I try to eat my dinner. I cave and turn the TV on. Happy to have him entertained I sit back down and proceed to initiate a conversation with Quinton about school. I ask him the same question 5 xs and realize that talking is pointless bc they can see the TV...if I turn it off we have to deal with grumpy baby.





We finish the meal. The kitchen is now a COMPLETE disaster (did I mention that Kydon also got out ALL the pots and pans while I was cooking). And mommy is WORN OUT! I tried. I'm going to give it another try tomorrow and maby it will gradually start to get better....I sure hope so!

victory?

This week has been a bit...crappy... for me and has caused me to really take good look at what I want out of my life. What would I define as victorious living. If I'm honest I had decided that I would be victorious if I could ever have stability in my family and in my finances. If only we could, together, own a house...go on family vacations... even just have meals together...then I'd be victorious.

But is it possible to feel victorious and to be poor, broken, and needy at the same time. Logic tells me NO. There is no hope in that. But somehow the Lord is telling me YES! As a daughter of Christ, I get to share in His victory over sin and death. I've been predestined to good works and have a purpose. My purpose in this life isn't to get to the next financial level, but to take part in Christ's agenda. And His agenda will end in victory!

So now I continue on with my crappy week with an attempt to experience this victory in the midst of broken dreams and hopes. It doesn't make the pain go away, but does leave me with a different kind of hope and a purpose.

Devos with the boys

Every night I try and do family devos with the boys. I'll admit, I usually don't feel like doing it, and sometimes its pretty much the last thing I want to do at the end of a long exhausting day, but I try and just make myself do it.

Now, I know that Satan does NOT want me doing this with the boys. His tactics include putting invisible ants in their pants, preventing them from being able stay in the bed, let alone sit still and pay attentions. He also plants toys around them that are suddenly show up when I open the bible. And lastly, He will periodically possess Kydon causing him to scream louder than I can read (note the scarcasim in my voice). But despite the frustration that I may face, not once have I regreted doing them. The majority of the best conversations I've had with the boys were during family devotions. Which leads me to our devos last week...

After reading the Bible I explained to the boys that we don't grow close to someone unless we talk to them. That is the same with God...we can't grow close to Him unless we talk to Him. We proceed to pray and Carter ends with, "God thankyou for this good day, thankyou for this wonderful day, thankyou for this super good day, and God...God....I just want to be close to you, I just want to be super close to you...and thankyou for this good day, and thankyoufor this wonderful day.....etc, etc, ETC..."!!! This went on for a good 5min and then he told me "mommy I want to be super close to God, so I prayed for a super long time". I told him that God will answer that prayer because He wants to be super close to Carter. I told them the story of Solomon asking for wisdom and God giving it to him. Quinton told me he wanted to pray again saying "God I want to be so close to you and I want power and love and wisdom amen". He then smiled confidently at me and told me that God will answer his prayer too.

A great Bible for boys that we have is The Action Bible, which is basically a comic bible. They love it and actually remind me to do bible story time because they can't wait to read it. Here is the link on amazon http://www.amazon.com/Action-Bible-Doug-Mauss/dp/0781444993/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310260811&sr=8-1

Another good one is the Veggie tales family devotional. It is a bit lengthy, but very interactive with different activites for the kids. I do this one once a week because it can take a good 45 min to do. Here is the link http://www.amazon.com/VeggieTales-Family-Devotional-VeggieConnections/dp/B000GYI1MY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1310260946&sr=1-1

My Carter Barter...

(sleeping wtih a legoman in his hand...he is very serious about his lego obsession :)

I've decided to feature my creative 4 year old, Carter in today's blog. As many of you know, Carter is one of a kind :) He has the biggest imagination and comes up with very creative ideas and stories.

(he fell asleep on the stairs...not sure WHAT he was thinking??!!)

Here are a list of questions that I asked carter followed by his response:

Name- Tarter

Age- holds up 4 fingers

favorite thing to do- uh....mommy tell me which days i get to play the wii on

favorite toy- actually my favorite toy is daddy's lego ship...his star wars

favorite game- hmmm i will say its star wars

future job- i want to work at the lego store

favorite color- all of the colors except pink and purple

favorite place to eat- mcdonalds, that's a place you can play tag you're it and hide and go seek. and mommy, and mommy, and mommy, mommy at church I told that riley girl where a girl was and her found her.

what are you good at- I will say I'm really good at building legos

favorite movie- its only lego rock monster...and star wars...and lego ningago (followed by a long graphic story about lego ningago)

Things he has taught me:

1. You shouldn't love lego's more than you love God. He "loves God first, then legos"

2. Apparently I shouldn't look at the colors yellow and brown, bc looking at them might make me have to go potty (that one cracks me up :)

3. never, ever, try to give him chicken nuggets without honey mustard sauce

4. that he apparently doesn't have too many legos, his friend has two boxes of legos and that's too many, but he just has one box so he can get more legos.

5. if you can't tear into a pinata with a bat then just get rid of the bat and do you karate moves on it (yes, he did do that)

6. It is possible to use the word "eventually" at least 3 times in one sentence.

7. legos are a mommy's best friend

8. A lot of patience is needed during learning time. Letters may turn into animals or other objects at any given moment.

9. I am to call him "Mr. Carter" when he is wearing a tie

10. That sometimes its good to just take a breather, smile, and enjoy his little creative self :)

God's will or mine...

My oldest Quinton finished his last day of Kindergarden yesterday. Some of you may remember I was a bit... ok maby alot....terrified of sending him off to school. I was pretty set on homeschooling him, but a month before school was to start I had alot of trials come up in my life that would make homeschooling quite difficult. I felt like I was suppossed to stick it out and still homeschool because that was best for Quinton. I knew it was going to be really hard, but I tried not to think about it because that was God's will for our family...or so I thought.

Right before school was to start I talked to an individual from my church that basically told me I was crazy! I was forced to really think through my decision and how I was going to make it all work and I had to admit that I couldn't do it. I felt like a failure having to admit that my own son was better off in school during the day than at home with me. At this point it was too late for me to pick which school to send him to. There were a couple of public schools in the area that seemed like lesser evils :), but the choosing period was over and he had to go to sedge garden, which i hadn't heard good or bad things about.

Right at that point Quinton began to ask several questions about how to become a christian and really wanted to get saved. I had him talk to our children's pastor and he came out and told me he understood salvation and the next time he asked about to let him establish a relationship with Christ. The next day he asked and he prayed asking God to forgive the bad things he had done and that he believed in Jesus and wanted to obey Him now. I saw that as a sign from God that He was going to take care of my sweet Quinton.

He soon started school and it actually wasn't too bad :) It forced our family to get on a schedule. Kydon wasn't sleeping well, so if I didn't have to take Quinton to school I would probably just be laying around the house all day exhausted and depressed. It kept me moving, which is what my kids needed from me. Quinton actually was able to tell some kids about Jesus and two of them prayed and asked Jesus to come into their hearts during center time. He came home with alot of stories about discussions they had about God...like how "Brody said that Jesus died on a pole, but I told him he is wrong and it was a cross" :)...you know real in depth debates like that :)

As the school year was finishing out I realized that I was wrong about my view on sending Quinton off to school. I thought God was telling me that homeschooling was best but because I couldn't handle it, He was allowing me to put him in school. I realized that Quinton going off to public school was God's will for Quinton last year. That is what he wanted all along. I'm not saying that is God's will for everyone, and I do think he has equiped some mom's to homeschool their children or to put their kids in Christian school. I think I view God as being harsh and having really high expectations for me. I've even told him that I can't do all that He wants me to do. But I'm realizing that I have set alot of these expectations for myself. If I honestly and truly can't do something, I really need to evaluate if that is from God or if its an expectation I have for myself. I guess the next question is why do I have such high expectations for myself....hmmm...maby that could be for another blog :)

WORST Walmart trip ever...

I do not like going to walmart. I hate/loathe/dread/abhor/etc it. Just when I thought that my level of hatrid was at its peak Kydon decided that he hated it as well, and that has brought my loathe of walmart trips to a whole new level. Today we had the mother of all awful walmart trips and I'm pretty it will be therapeutic for me to blog about it...

My plan for this trip was to pick Quinton up from school, go straight over to walmart, get the oil changed while we grocery shopped, unload, and then take him to karate. I picked the child up from school and when we pulled into the parking lot he had a full blown meltdown when he realized what we were about to do, complete with real tears and pleading to just go back home (we obviously share the same love for the place...maby its hereditary... we're allergic to it or something). I make a deal with him that we'll eat in subway first then get groceries. We drop the van off and go to subway. While in subway Kydon decided that he wanted nothing to do with the high chair. He is an escape artist and can get out of anything I strap him into...such as highchairs and grocery carts. We scarfed down our food while he did a cycle of screaming, twisting out of the buckle, standing up, and screaming when I'd put him back in. While in subway I get a call from one of the mechanics asking me if I had a spare key. I told him I didn't and he informed me he locked my keys in the car, but they'll figure something out, which I interpreted to mean that we will probably be spending our evening inside this blessed blessed store.

I then get a cart and had a full blown battle with Kydon trying to get him in it. He was kicking his feet, refusing to put them through the holes, and also twisting his body trying to hang onto the back of the set and stand up. I pinned him down, shoved his...ahem...precious feet through the holes, and held his body down with one arm, and buckled him in with the other. He is screaming and calms down once we get moving. First stop, cantalopes....aka, balls. he is frantically trying to get out saying "ba ba ba!". He twists, turns around, and manages to get out of the buckle while teetering on the back of the seat. I put him back in...screaming...so I decide to hold him and push with the other hand. My older boys keep hopping onto the sides of the cart, and I constantly have to remind them that mommy can't hold their brother and push the cart with them hanging onto it ( I swear they must think I have super powers or something) They then decide to practice their karate moves for the remainder of the trip...in the middle of every isle...hiding from the bad guys on the shelves behind the toilet paper. At one point Kydon took a lunge out of my arms falling head first, and I managed to catch him before he hit the ground. That really set him off, and he was officially done. An hour and a half later...yes, an hour and a half.....I get a call saying the car is finished. I'm in the middle of the checkout line...trying to unload all of my groceries with one arm and Quinton starts yelling that he has to go potty and can't hold it. I typically go with him to the potty, but I was in the middle of the line, so I told him to go ahead and go to the bathroom but hurry right out. He never came back! SO I send carter over to holler in and tell him to hurry. He said he didn't reply. I went into the women's and he wasn't in their either. I am frantic looking around and a cashier asks me if I'm looking for my child. I said yes and she talked to a few other cashiers and informed me that he was in the customer service section. Whew! I find him and he told me he went to the wrong isle and one of the clerks said the would help him find me. Needless to say, He will NEVER EVER be going to the bathroom by himself again!

There is a blessing in the midst of this awful trip! I went to pick up the van and they didn't charge me for the oil change....AND I received a free spare key :) So maby... just maby... this trip was worth a free oil change and key...ok, at least it was almost worth it :)

Part II of last weeks meltdown

Well, do you remember my last post about needing help and how I was hoping that in my next post I would be able to talk about how I mustered up the courage to ask for help?... I didn't even have to really ask for it, God just poured His mercy and grace on me, and I've gotten the help I need.

After writing the blog I went to Bible study with some of the girls from church and basically had a melt down. I told you I had hit my limit. My sweet friend Becky asked if she could come the next day and help out and I said....yes :) We had a great time just talking, taking turns holding Kydon, and cleaning. Sometimes I think I just need someone to sit with me and talk to me while I clean... I know its a bit pathetic isn't it! Then my sunday school teacher, Kathy, called and asked if she could come out on Wednesday and help me create a schedule for help. She came and we figured out all of my needs right now and she came up with a plan for getting me help. We also had a great talk and it was spiritually refreshing. I went to sunday school this morning and she announced what I'm needing and invited the class to come out to my house in a few weeks to clean and organize the place.

To top it all off, I ended up having some big emotional trials come my way this week... remember last week I had reached my limit! God just poured help and support on me to get me through the week. It wasn't part of His will to take the trials away, but He gave me strength I needed to endure. If He hadn't been working in my heart last week to get me to admit that I needed help and accept offers, I would have been a complete mess this week!

After church it was just me and Kydon, who had fallen asleep in the car. I knew that he would wake up as soon as I got him out of the car, so I decided to get some Mcdonalds and just eat it in the car. I started reading my Bible, praying and reflecting on the things the Lord has been teaching me. I wondered why it was part of God's story for me, to go through so many trials. I know God brings trials in your life to bring you closer to Him, and I became discouraged thinking that I must be pretty messed up to require such a big trial to make me more Christ like. Then I thought about Joseph. He wasn't that messed up to begin with right! and he had to suffer some pretty intense suffering. BUT God had a big plan for him that required Him to go through extra suffering to prepare Him for his calling. That was just his story. He has a different story than Moses, Isaiah, Mary, Paul and Peter. Their suffereing all came in different degrees in different stages of their lives. That is because each of their lives contains a different story. So, I concluded that I shouldn't be ashamed of where I'm at now, wishing my story was the same as other people's stories. I need to claim it as part of the unique story the Lord has written for my life to ultimately bring others to Christ.

help!!!

This week I've really struggled managing life in general. I typically live in denial about how hard my life actually is being alone as a mother and trying to provide for my family. I just keep going. My kids can't afford for me to give up for a while. Its just not an option. I usually let it all out to my mom...pretty much daily! and keep going. But eventually I can't deny how hard things are and it just gets too hard for me. That's where I'm at right now. I just can't pretend anymore that I've got this and I can do it. Its too hard. A few months ago I was really struggling because I prayed and confidently believed that God would give me the strength that I needed. The following week EVERYTHING went wrong. One particuliar day I lost my keys, lost my phone, was late getting out, got lost and couldn't call anyone for directions because I lost my phone. Yes, that is a true story!! I became bitter because things were just too hard for me and God wasn't answering my prayer. He wasn't enough for me. What do I do now?

The end of the week I was praying about it and the thought (probably the holy spirit) came to me, maby God did this on purpose. Maby He is trying to show me that I can't do this. He wanted me to fall on my face to show me that I NEED help. I argued the thought, saying that I just don't have it. I have no family here.... but I have my family in Christ...but that's not the same. I would be humilated for them to see my messy house (and by that I mean MESSY!), and chaotic life. When others are around I've got to get my life in order before I can let them in. The thought of letting others in, in such a choatic state was just humilating for me. But I felt like there was no denying that God wanted me to do exactly that. I actually thought "I need to call someone to help, but I don't have time to clean up before they come to clean up"...haha right! Anyways I broke down and sent out an email to my sunday school class and got tons of help that month.

Well, here I am again. I need help, but HATE HATE asking for it. I can't convince myself that things are ok, bc things are falling apart. I've got a sick baby, all of us are sleep deprived, I'm trying to work, spend time with the boys, and keep up with housework....and its not working! I've had two people offer help and it is just so hard for me to accept it. I feel like I'm taking advantage of them, that I'm not being a good mom bc my boys need me, and pretty much awful about myself if I accept it without repaying them in some way. BUT I've got to get over it, suck it up, and accept help.

Today my pastor said something that wasn't a big part of the sermon, but it stuck out to me. He said that if we have an itch, Satan wants to scratch it. He wants us to find comfort in sin. I thought about how right now I have some big needs (itches) that I'm dying to have scratched! I can pretend that they are not there, but eventually I will want them scratched. If I don't deal with them and accept help, I'll be giving Satan an opportunity lure me away from God and soothe me with sin. So, I'm hoping that my next post will be about how I've accepted help and what God has done in my life through it!

My bizarre dream...

My mom is in town this week and yesterday we decided to take the boys to concord mills mall yesterday. We had a blast and completed the trip with a few bags of candy and popcorn for the ride home. We got home around 9 and I went to bed around 11 feeling a little sick from all of the sugar I consumed! I fell asleep, woke up at 3, couldn't go back to sleep until 5, which produced this dream...

(My parents) I am going to church, where I am suppossed to sing a special, get there (which by the way was not my church), and realized that I forgot the cds. I found my mom and told her that I thought I have enough time to run home and grab them. She told me that my sister was getting married (who is already married) before church. I thought that I probably should be there since I was the maid of honor then realized that I didn't have a bridesmaid dress so I probably wasn't in the wedding to which I was relieved by.

(My sister's actual wedding day)

It is now time for the wedding to start and my friend's son, who is a kid, walks down the isle and I suddenly realize that he is getting married. We all were a bit disturbed, but somehow in this dream it made sense!

I am now suddenly in harry potter land...and I am harry. ( I am reading the books and don't know the ending yet....someone has told me that everyone dies in the end, but I refuse to believe that). I find Dumbledore...realizing that he comes back to life (what I am secretly wishing to happen even though it seems highly unlikely), and together we save the world.

(It looked something like this)

Gradually after I woke up this dream all started coming back to me, and I concluded three things. 1. That was probably the most bizarre dream that I have ever had. 2. I should never...ever...eat junk food before going to bed again. 3. I have got to get a coffee maker.

Happy Birthday Kydon

"I..think...I'm.....gonna......pop"
(after birthday cake with mamaw and papa black in indiana)

The birthday cake I made for him

Tuckered out after birthday festivities

Today my sweet little squirt turned a year old. He has been a joy to me and his brothers. I keep thinking what a lucky little boy he is to have two older brothers that love him so much and look out for him. I was just thinking today about what a great blessing he has been in my life. The start of my pregancy with him marked alot of trials in my life, but God knew what He was doing. I knew that he was going to be a blessing in the midst of chaos. I look back with dissapointment that the labor/hospital visit and newborn phase wasn't the way I wanted it to be, but Kydon was a great joy in the midst of my hurt. I would just look at him and my heart would swell and naturally bring a smile to my face. Now I know that joy can be found in God alone, but He knows that sometimes we need an extra blessing, and Kydon was that extra blessing.

For those of you who read my last post, this next paragraph might be a bit of a shock to you.... are you ready....

This morning I sincerely praised the Lord for Kydon being a handful. The youngin doesn't sleep, is super needy, and is ALL over the place getting into EVERYTHING! I know you are thinking, she must be one of the christians who constantly have a smile on their face and deny pain because they think it makes them more spiritual, saying, "my life if falling apart, but praise Jesus". Nope, not me I hope. I've realized that if Kydon was sleeping, I would have a hard time getting out of bed. If he wasn't all over the place I would be sitting around, not functioning very well. If he wasn't so needy, I would totally be focused on me and wouldn't be thinking outside of myself. So I can honestly praise God for using him to keep me going.

Now don't get me wrong, in the midst of a hard day, I still pray and beg God to make things easier, but in retrospect I can look back and praise Him. We don't always see God's plan, but isn't it encouraging and exciting when you can look back at your life and see how He was working? So, with all that said, I would like to wish my little man a very happy first birthday.

A glimpse into my night

So this week has been exhausting to say the least! A few weeks ago I was thinking about how I have been pretty healthy this winter, then boom. I came down with a cold last weekend and a stomach bug on Monday and now it is thursday and I'm still nautious and congested. To top it off my...ahem... sweet, precious, sick, NEEDY 12 month old Kydon hasn't been sleeping. He is cutting teeth and has a runny nose. Now this sweet child has never been a good sleeper.... AT ALL, so I have been trying to let him cry it out. This is how it went down

9:00- Lay Kydon down, who quickly stands back up and cries at me and the older boys who do family devos across the room

9:30- all are asleep

10- Kydon is screaming

10:30- all are asleep

2:00 am- Kydon is screaming, me " I will not go in there. This will be worth it."

2:30 am- Still screaming, me "ok, I've done this for a week now and its not helping. What is wrong with this child?? Well, he is teething and has some boogers. He'll get tired and go back to sleep. Yes, its been 1/2 he's gotta be exhausted"

3:00 am- still screaming, me "I WILL NOT CAVE. But he's going to wake up the boys. Quinton's got school in the morning and is going to be so tired. Maby they are still asleep. Yes, they're asleep, they would have come in here if they were awake."

3:30 STILL screaming, I hear Quinton in the other room saying,

"Kydon, it's ok. I'm am here. Carter is here.... God is here"

Carter realizes that Quinton is awake and quickly starts talking to him, but Quinton is shhhing him because what he said made Kydon quit crying.

4:00- Screaming resumes and both boys are in bed with me. Me, "Seriously, his gums can't be hurting that badly, and they are just boogers. He needs to toughen up. Why me? Why do I have to have a child that doesn't sleep? I NEED my sleep. Everyone elses babies sleep at night. People don't understand how hard it is to function when your child isn't sleeping. This is too hard. I can't do this.

4:30- SILENCE, but now I can't go back to sleep!

5:00- I decided to take a hot bath, do my devos, and just get a head start on the day. Then...

5:30- Screaming, I get Kydon, feed him and he falls asleep on my bed, so now I am in my full size bed with all three boys asleep in it!

6:00- I slip out of bed and still have enough time to take my hot bath and read my Bible before tackling the day ahead of me, and I read

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

I prayed and told the Lord what my burden was. My physical exhaustion, discouragment, and emotional defeat. I envisioned myself dropping a bag of bricks at His feet in exchange for His rest.

After that I managed to get ready, drag the kids out of bed, take Quinton to school, and God graciously let me have a 1/2 hr nap. He gave me the strength to take care of the kiddos and I even got the dishes done. I won't tell you about the rest of the house, but I am quite proud of my clean kitchen :)

Road trip!

As some of you know, the boys and I recently have returned from a trip to Indiana, where we

surprised my mom for her 50th birthday. Several of you have told me that you don't know how I do it... driving 10+ hours, by myself, with three children ages 5 and under. Well, folks this is how its done...

Because I was making the cake for my mom's party, the day before consisted of me preparing her cake. Midnight hit and the last thing I wanted to do was clean my kitchen, but how awful would it be to return to a mess of a kitchen?!...so I cleaned it until the wee hours of the morning. I hadn't packed yet because I had spent every spare minute during the week working on cake orders, so I decided to make a list and then get some sleep.

Of course I planned on leaving at 7 am or before, but alas, that never happens! I woke up and packed (which was very difficult because I had to figure out where to put the cakes in the car!) and we were ready to leave at 11! Quinton was sad about missing wacky tacky day at school, so he

decided to celebrate it in the car and Carter was thrilled with that idea. I go out to the car, where they have been sitting and buckled up for the past hour, to find them with different pairs of shoes on and mismatched clothes. I decide that its not worth messing with, but did put my foot down on their begging for me to dress wacky as well. I put Kydon in the car, but then realized that it is already time to feed him again because I took so long packing, so I head back into the house, feed him, decide to give him some benadryl, and hit the road.

First stop, 20 min. into the trip, Mcdonalds....mommy NEEDS some... ahem...LOTS of coffee!

Now this part I credit to all the people praying for us and our trip... 2nd stop, 4 HOURS later! With no previous warning Carter yells, "I got to go potty! I can't hold it... its coming". I find an exit, and of course its one where you have to drive a mile down the road to get to the gas station. We find it and he has already had an accident, so I go ahead and feed Kydon in the car before we go in. As we are going it, I realize how AWFUL we look. I have no make up on, food on my pants, my children are wearing different shoes, one has a big wet spot on his pants, and Kydon has his teeting biscuit smeared all over his face and shirt and has leaked out of his diaper. I let the boys pick out a snack, buy gas, change their clothes, avoid all eye contact, and leave.

Remember we had mcdonalds for lunch...guess what was the only restraunt on this exit...yes, Mcdonalds. Quinton informs me that he feels like God is telling him not to eat at Mcdonalds. HAHA, well, I didn't want to get in between him and the Holy Spirit, so we got off on the next exit and ate there.

After that whole fiaso we drove for 4 more hours, interrupted by Carter saying "I have to go potty now. Ahhhhh, I can't hold it." I swerve onto the next exit, but was once again too late... grrr. (Rabbit trail time.... Now I know that you shouldn't get on your child for having accidents...and I don't, because I don't want to shame him.... but that time we did have a little talk. Mommy's gotta have a warning or something). We go in, avoid all eye contact, change, get gas, and hit the road once more.

Now we are in Indiana. The end is in sight, but it is the longest hour of my life (ok maby second to the last hour of my labors). Carter is asking me when are going to be there, what sign are we looking for, etc. We finally get to the town and my dad calls to tell me a shortcut to get to my grandma's house where we are staying. I turn down the road and her house isn't there. He has me back up, go down another road...still no grandma's house. At this point I really don't care about the "shortcut". He is still talking me through this shortcut, while I'm driving the "long" way and I just tell him that I found it. I love my dad, and lot of times will humor him and give into his ideas and "shortcuts", but alas I NEEDED to get out of the car.

9:30 pm we make it to grandma and grandpas :) Was it worth it you ask...yes indeed it was :) More to come later about my mom's party :)

Lessons that I have learned today

Today has been a rough day to say the least. I was up most of the night stressed unable to sleep, and had to get up to a day full of errands and appointments. But in the midst of this crazy....crazy day I have learned many things....such as...

1. Boogers are made out of sticky germs, or according so to Carter

2. If I sense God telling me to do something, it is in my best interest to listen. I will regret it if I don't.

3. You cant have big fingernails because they might make your nose bleed....

4. I should never....ever.... attempt to take all three kids to pizza hut by myself

5. Some mosters are bad guys and Christians.

6. I need to keep taking my prenatals because my sweet baby's iron will get low if mine is low :(

7. The christian monsters become bad guys when the lava starts to come out of their mouths and they don't obey quickly.

8. I can't base my willingness to have devotional time with the boys on how I feel.

9. Carter should never have his finger pricked for iron levels because it makes his mouth hurt...

10. It is ok for me to take a timeout from my kids for a few minutes...especially on days like today!

hope deferred

For those of you who know me, you know that I love to plan for the future. I'm not an organizer...ha..ha... definitely not an organizer, but I love to dream about my future and all the possibilities/opportunities that it holds for me. In high school I felt called to the mission field and envisioned a future of me in another country telling others about Jesus. That is actually what brought me here to NC, where I attended Piedmont to train in missions. That sounds like a great plan right? But the problem was that my hope was in going to the mission field. That is what kept me going. When that hope was taken away from me I was devastated. That changed everything. I grieved the loss of that dream and quickly transferred my hope into another dream...then another. Each to be taken away from me, causing me to settle on a lesser dream. Eventually I was left hopeless. Exactly where the Lord wanted me to be.

God has been showing me that my hope has to be in HIM. I had been so focused on what I could do for him...finding my purpose and worthiness in service. BUT the truth is that I am no less worthy serving the Lord right now than I would have been if I went to the mission field. I love the lyrics in Jason Grays song "I am new",

forgiven, beloved, hidden in Christ, made in the image of the giver of life, righteous and holy, reborn and remade, accepted and worthy, this is our new name

That is who I am regardless of what I do. So I say all of this to inform all my blogger friends that I am putting my hope in growing closer to my Abba and spending an eternity with Him someday :)

complicated

Tonight I've read through another mother's blog, that really inspired me to blog some more. I'm realizing that I make this way too complicated! In my mind I have set topics that I want to include in a certain order. For instance, as you can see I thought it would be good to start with my testimony...split it into say 5 different parts. That would lead up to topics on parenting. Great plan right? Not so much! I don't have alot of time to blog, juggling being a stay-at-home mom, starting up a business, and dealing with the trials of life. Therefore when I actually think about blogging, it becomes more of a chore, rather than an outlet.

The counselor (you will quickly realize that I overanalyze my life) in me realizes that I probably get this from my dad. This man will spend days putting together the perfect "z-model" (a chart from the Myers-Briggs that gathers ideas, information, and details to help plan an event) before he will ever do what he is wanting to do. For example I asked him if he could help me photoshop a different background for some of my cake pictures, thinking it would just take a few minutes to fill it in with a basic color. He proceeded to buy me some green fabric and told me that we can get online and find a picture of a room inside of the whitehouse. Next we could get a picture of a table and put that into the white house picture with the cake setting on top of it. The finished product would be our cake inside of the white house. Needless to say, I have yet to change the background for my cake pictures! The problem is that if the details are not perfected, the job just does not get done. I say all of that to conclude that I will overcome my pefectionism because I will never get around to blogging if I don't!

So here it is. My first random blog :) Expect more random topics, misspelled words, random commas (you will also quickly learn that I have an obsession with commas :), and other forms of imperfection to come in the future!